DISOBEY

Can you go one day without makeup? One day without straightening your hair? One day without hairspray or mousse? Can you go one day without caring what other people think about how you look? Ask yourself if you can. If yes, then do it. Just for ONE day. You most likely, 100%, look the same. One day can make a difference. To you, to them, to anyone. So try it, just for one day. I dare ya.

 So last night i had the worst possible dream ever.

This year the school band is going to Flordia for competition, and this is what my entire dream was based on.

Everyone i know and basically talk to is in my music class/music program. So it all started off with them leaving to Flordia and i decided i didnt want to go this year so i didnt. The next morning on the morning announcements they mention the band on their trip and that they got in a car crash. they took forever to say what happened, and eventually said that no one survived. i felt my heart being crushed and i  eventually bursted into tears. those are the only people i talk to and their all dead. i was basically then only senior in the music program and all the teachers were gone.

i eventually left my english class horrified without answering back to anyone. i walked down the halls crying my eyes off and there was nothing anyone could have done. i stopped by a class that i knew people in, and just stayed there hugging them and crying. i had nothing left. 26 of my closest friends were all dead and gone. then a school assembly came and 26 different funerals.

this was my dream last night. i literally woke up with tears rolling down my face and my pillow was all wet with the tears.

if i think about it now, it could still possibly bring tears to my eyes. never ever want this to happen. ever.

and this was My Dream.

Is it worth killing yourself?

Is it worth knowing that you’ve let everyone that has tried to help you, down?

Is it worth hurting all the ones you love?

Is it worth leaving everything behind?

Take a minute and think of everyone that has helped and loved you. It might be a lot, it might be a little. but it should be enough to keep you alive. Those people will always be there for you, through thick and thin.

Some of them might even depend on you to help them with their problems.

There is always someone thinking of you. for good or bad, always.

Sometimes we all forget how much life should be admired. it could be gone faster then we can say oops.

So next time you hold that razor, rope, knife or gun, ask yourself this: Is It Worth It?

so today was another crap day as usual.

depression, anger and emptiness hit again. today was probably the worst so far. no yelling, but thoughts of everything thats going wrong all shuffled together. and it hit hard.

past problems started up again and the threatening began. the bullshit that occurs shouldnt occur. i look at everyone else i know and see how easy some of them have it. why couldnt my parents be like that? all chill and paying for their kids cell phones.but that’s another story.

the urges of leaving and running away started taking over and there was no stop. the crazy thing is no one knows this except for 2 people. not even the closest people i know, know whats wrong with me. they all assume im alright cause im always smiling. but im always smiling cause i cant keep a strait face. never could, never will. its hard keeping your problems from people, but theres only so much you can tell someone before they dont believe you or tell someone else that you wish they didnt.

but there’s always those people who you can tell things to, and dont have to hide anything you say.

those people that care and try to help you with your problems slowly take all the thoughts away, and make you realize youre better then that.

without help,care and love, i would be nowhere today. hard to picture what i would be doing, but i know it wouldnt be this. i can say that after tonight, the thoughts are almost completely gone. but it’s just a matter of time until they come back again.

my days are super crap, but my nights are amazing. and there are 4 things that keep me going every night. 4 things that i trust in.

i dont trust in many people, but the ones i do trust, im stuck with forever. no trading for habs merch cause theyre soo rare, you have to keep them.

they make the pain go away. they try to fix my problems. they keep the smile on my face, forever. and they make me cry like no other person does.

i guess I Am This Lucky.

people keep telling me i should forget the past etc etc, but this one thing keeps coming back to punch me in the face.

for as long as i can remember, my dad has never been proud of what i do, done or accomplished. he keeps putting me down and doesnt even tell me ‘good job’ or even a ‘better luck’ next time.

as i kid i used to play soccer and i loved every minute of it, but for some unknown odd reason i stopped. my dad would take me to the games and practices and cheer me on and give me some advice during the half. and i can probably and honestly say that was the last time he felt proud of me.

i dont show him tests, or even ask him homework questions anymore because that would be useless and i know what would come. even when i get a good mark, i tell my mum and she has to blurt it out during dinner. i know he heard and then he does a little ‘huh’ in the back of his throat, and i wait there for a good job, well done or even a pat on the back. but what i get is nothing.

the only time he talks to me is if i got a call home for being late 120sec. i get yelled at like i got suspended for a week and i never hear the end of it. it hurts to know that he only cares when i do something wrong, not right.

he tries to do everything in his power to make me stop doing the fun stuff in my life. yes rugby is a rough sport. yes i did get kicked in the head in a game last year. no, my father did not care. i when i got home from that tournament, i walked home. i walked home for almost every rugby game i played last year, and this sport really wears you out. i dont bother to call him to pick me up anymore. anyways, when i got home and told him what happened, he didnt say ‘are you ok?’ or ‘lets go to the doctor to make sure you dont have a concussion’, he said ‘good for you’. good for you is all he said. then, that day, i knew he didnt care as much as he used to. he brings up every possible excuse to make me stop playing. i do get injured, but i heal faster then if wolverine got shot in the face.

my dad would make a great actor. he always puts on this act that he cares and is super nice, but really he’s just a leaf fan. (there’s only 2 leaf fans that i know of, that do care.)

it’s hard. and everyday i have to put up with the same thing over and over again. he doesnt listen to a word i say, even when i right. so now i’ve learned to keep my mouth shut, keep to myself, and not to speak my mind cause all its going to do is cause me more pain.

so now im done. im done of his bullshit. im done of his constant anger. im finished of trying to make him happy.

I’m Done.

101 years of loyalty.

I think I’m pretty damn awesome at perfect timing!!!!

How do you explain how awesome, amazing, and unbelievable someone is?

In my case, it isn’t easy. Some people are just too good for words, and you want to say so many nice things, but it’s just too hard. I’m even having trouble thinking about what to write about this particular person.

I can honestly say that I don’t know her well, but what I do know is that she means a lot.

She once told me “you have to let go of the past, look what you have now stop dwelling on your mistakes everybody makes them”. After reading that, I realized that all the mistakes I’ve made, I can’t take back. I’m living in all this regret, and it took that one sentence to make me realize that I need to forget it all.

People like this are 1 in a million, but in this case 2 in a million.

I can thank her a thousand times, and a thousand more after that, but it still will never ever be enough. I can probably say that she saved my life a while back with the amount of love in her heart (this is starting to turn into a cheese fest), but it’s true.

<3 <—- This is what keeps me going everyday. Seeing that reminds me I have something worth living for. It may be just a heart to you, but to me, it means the world.

And as much as I dislike that you are a Leafs fan, well, I just have to accept it, ‘cause that’s not gonna change.

Never Change. Stay Beautiful. I Gotchu.

Shannon, you are truly someone I will never, ever forget.

so people say i need to express what ive got inside, so here goes.

back in the summer, maybe end of june-ish i would go for bike rides then stop by the library and use a computer because my dad would block it off and be a jerk. it was nearing 3:00 and my sister was coming home from school and shes not my kid, not my responsibility and i was forced to pick her up. i came late on purpose because it just wasnt fair that i had to pick her up. so i go inside, and mind you, he is always up to pick her up, and i walk inside and he starts yelling at me for no reason, why i came home ‘late’ and its only 3:05 ish.  at this time he’s really going at it and absolutely pissing me off.

he then threatens me (this aint the first time hes done it too) saying hes gonna give me a black eye and knock out my teeth. threatening me is going to change me at all. then he blocks off my internet again and start with blocking websites and shit and being a huge dick.

this point ive gotten tired of all his bullshit with controlling my life with the internet and where i go and complaing on every little thing i do and try to have some fun.

i eventually start crying cause i’m super pissed off, and start contemplating runny away. his lazy ass is always there telling me to do shit when he does nada. i have my bag right in front of me and my drawer was open, ready to go. in the meantime im texting a friend about everything thats going on, and its hard to tell someone what to do in a situation like this.

i eventually stopped, but it was on my mind for the next couple days, and i was always leaving the house and getting yelled at. then one night after dinner i went to the park and met up with a friend to get my mind off of things and it got kinda late and dark, and they gave me a drive back home. i went inside, sat on the couch, turned on the tv and my dad comes running down the stairs, lifts his hand and WHACK right in the side of my face. pretty hard to, i might add. he starts yelling at me ‘where were you?’ ‘do you know what time it is?’ and i cant even see straight, my eyes all blurry and im kinda out of it.

so i got up, went into my room and started laughing about how ridiculous it was. it was absolutely unnecessary and ive faced that kind of abuse before so it was nothing new. like the time i was watching tv in my mums room and he comes upstairs, grabs his belt, and from behind he hits me. now the bruise on my chest was the shape of the point end of the belt. the bruise was all yellow and purple goodness.

so much shit all through the years, and ive kept it all inside and hidden from everyone. hiding it all behind a smile on my face. and the worst part is that he never apologizes when ever he hits me and shit. never have i heard him say im sorry. i do everything possible to piss him off and once he finds i have a tattoo when im older, HA, that will be the best day of my life.

and this is What’s On My Mind.

p.s sorry for the length, just had to get it out.

My days are super crap, but my nights are Amazing. <3

So today is Canadian Thanksgiving, and there is a lot of things i am thankful for today.

I am thankful for my parents even though they piss me off a lot.

I am thankful for my two sister, even if one of them is dating an american and the other makes me wanna throw my fist in the drywall.

I am thankful for all the family i have here in Canada, the USA, England, and Malta.

I am thankful for the education i have, even if its a pain in the ass.

I am thankful for the overload of food in my house….if anyone’s hungry please come and take some food.

I am thankful for the Montreal Canadiens signing Carey Price and getting rid of J.Halak.

I am thankful for all the clothes i get to wear, that not many people have.

I am thankful for every single item i have in my house. no matter what it is, or who its from, thankyou.

and last, but definitely not least, I am Thankful for the friends that i have. Without them, things would be hard, and difficult to get through. They helped me get through the most difficult times of my life and have created some amazing memories that will last forever. Today, i truly dont know where i would be or what i would be doing without them. Thankyou for the Laughs. Thankyou for the Tears. and Thankyou for Always Being There.

Happy Thanksgiving.

That day i regret with all my life.

how could i have done such an act?

it haunts me all the time and i wish i could take it back.

i dont know what i was thinking, but i know i was stupid.

hanging around with guys all the time, you dont realize whats good and bad.

i came back in way too early and saw something i shouldnt have.

but why the fuck would i do something like that.

i look back on it now, and it kills me.

i can say sorry a thousand times, but it wouldnt be enough.

there’s nothing i can do to fix it now.

that one day. that one test. that one moment. and i screw up my life.

it will never leave my mind, and its too painful to tell anyone.

i am deeply, honestly, and truly sorry for my idiotic actions.

That Day will go with me to the grave.

reading over all those old messages, makes me all giddy inside.

i continuously think about how lucky i am to have such amazing friends. i honestly believe that i dont deserve such friends like them. i am truly lucky to know them. each message i read makes me laugh harder and smile longer.

i can honestly say i dont remember the first time i met them or when they added me on fb, but what i can say, is that it was the best decision of my life.

i can thank them over and over and over again, but it still will never be enough. i owe these people my life for what they have done for me. and i am very very great full for them.

Am I Really This Lucky?

my life consists of two things: hockey and friends.

without each other, i am nothing.

hockey keeps me sane and friends keep me safe.

hockey is my life and friends saved my life.

hockey is amazing and my friends are fantastic.

hockey makes me happy and friends put a smile on my face that lasts forever.

and hockey brings friends together.

without each other, i am nothing.

H&F <3

Happy Birthday Ms.Aivy. (:

not many people know the story about Jackoff Guy, so here goes.

So back in the summer of grade 9, i went to summer school for civics and careers. after school i decided to go to the public library to study for a test (at this time the library was under renovation and was in the rec center). i go in and take out a laptop to use, sit down and start the computer. i was wearing my aviators at the time, so know one could tell where i was looking. so as the computer is loading i look up to the table across from me and there is this guy sitting at the end on the table. as im looking at him, i see his shirt moving up and down, going pretty fast too. now im thinking to myself, am i really seeing what im seeing? so i look again just to make sure, and this boy is really going at it. im desperately trying to hold in my laughter and after about 10/15mins, i guess he ‘finished’ and puts it away and checks his shirt to make sure nothing got on it. this guy eventually gets up after he printed something, and what ya know its asian anime. he finally left, and now im scarred for life.

thankyou Jackoff Guy -__-

i just want to say thankyou. thankyou for being there. thankyou for helping. and thankyou for listening. thankyou for the countless hours you have put into helping me with my problems. thankyou for the smiles. thankyou for the laughs. and thankyou for being there everyday.

i would love to know what i would do without you. but just thinking about it worries me. if i was gone, what would you say? think? or do? would you be ashamed that i couldnt pull through? the look and the tears would just break my heart.

so i promise you this, i will never leave. this big ol’ butterfly could never hurt someone like you. so as long as youre there, just remember this: i’ll bring the beers, i’ll bring the beers.

you are truly someone i will never, ever forget.